A (Pre) New Years Resolution

I am unapologetically* sorry. All the time. Like, I am never not sorry for things. I am sorry I bumped into that lady in the hideous reindeer sweater. I'm sorry she bumped into me. I'm sorry when I don't know where something is in the store and I have to ask the salesperson. I'm sorry that I'm late. I'm sorry I didn't have time to perfectly wrap your gift and I'm sorry to my Pilates instructor that I didn't have time to practice the exercises she so lovingly gave me and I'm sorry to Leo when he falls down or his nose his stuffy (CLEARLY my fault, right?) I'm especially sorry if I'm grouchy or if I say something controversial (usually after making a bold statement that might possibly make someone else uncomfortable or cause them to disagree, I'll quickly say that I'm sorry for being difficult, argumentative, etc).

"Sorry" is a crutch I use constantly, relentlessly, and to Ethan's total dismay. He's right – I say it about three-hundred and forty-eight times more than I ever really should. Of course it loses its meaning (as any word does) when you say it ALL THE FREAKING TIME. These days, I find myself saying it even more now that we have a rambunctious 15-month-old who likes to throw food on the floor of restaurants. I noticed that at a recent dinner (at 5:30, no less, in a kid-friendly 'hood at a kid-friendly (ish) restaurant), every time the waiter walked past, I apologized for the new piece of bread Leo had dropped on the ground. Meanwhile, Ethan (gotta love him) said nothing, and why should he? Does apologizing a million times actually even make things any better? And if we give a generous tip and try to help clean up, do we even need to apologize at all?

I recently told Ethan that if there was one thing I should try to "give up," for my own good, it wouldn't be chocolate or wine or even that caramel popcorn that is going to land me at the dentist which will suck but I love it anyway. It would be apologizing. Saying "I'm sorry." Using it as a preamble, in any and all contexts, for things I say. I bet you a gazillion Starbucks dollars that if I stopped saying it, I'd seem more confident. More self-assured. And probably? No one would really miss it (except me).

If I do this (BIG, BIG IF!), it won't be easy. I've been saying sorry for a hell of a long time. For all intents and purposes, I'm addicted to it. It probably has something to do with my polite Southern roots and something else to do with that "guilt" a lot of us women feel that seems to have especially permeated American motherhood. And I know it has to do with being liked. Rationally, I don't care if that waiter likes me. But in the moment, I do. Why? Ethan doesn't seem to give a sh**, and the irony is, people like that dude. So, what? Do you think I can do it? Do you think I should? Drop me a line or a comment and let me know. Because the more I consider doing this — really doing this — the more freaked out I get that I'll fail. And then what? I'll have to say... sorry?

xox

*Pun intended.

PHOTO CAPTION: I am sorry that my diaper bag is so messy.