It's So Hard Being A Baby

Everyone's all obsessed with The Honest Toddler because it's freaking amazing. Here is a little "Honest Baby" Leo jotted in his journal for you to enjoy with a glass of pinot while your baby smiles cherubically, then rips up your high school yearbook.

Dear Mama,

It's really freakingass hard being a baby. I know that everybody thinks that all you do when you're under two is eat, sleep, play and act all cute and shite, and that life is very, very easy for someone my age. But let me fill you in on a few not-so-fun aspects of being a so-called "wee" or "little" one.* Here are my top 5:

1) You don't let me grab anything, and it's so cruel and unusual. I LOVE lotion-toilet-paper-pens-the-oatmeal-box-poisonous-substances-hazardous-substances-substances-in-general-your-make-up-your-contact-solution-lotion-your-keys-your-hair-your-earrings-your-fine-china-lotion and I don't understand why you won't let me eat-drink-piss on said object.

2) You never understand anything I say. It is PERFECTLY REASONABLE to EVERYONE I KNOW (read: all the babies in my swim class and Music Together and baby sign language class) that "Abugabutt" means "give me a cracker." You really need to get with the program and possibly even take an adult education communication class so you can learn to UNDERSTAND YOUR BABY.

3) You make me drink out of a bottle when all I really want is a boob. When I was first born, you worked day and night and day and night to get me to latch on correctly and drink in (literally) all the wonderful benefits of breastmilk and all the antibodies and natural botox and now after all that work you suddenly expect me to guzzle cow's milk out of a plastic contraption. Someone explain.

4) You drop me in PRISON (read: my crib) on a daily basis and expect me to play in there? COME ON. I'm not made of stone.

5) I want to eat pizza. You give me pureed spinach crap that smells bad, and even you admitted that when you tried it, it sucked. Where is the justice?

I love you, Mommy. But I am not going to utter those words and make you the happiest mommy on earth until you start letting me eat crayons.

Love,
Your Baby

*Your overuse of "LO" (little one), "D&M" (deep and meaningful), "2G2BT" (too good to be true) and other such chat acronyms does not make you sound like Taylor Swift; it makes you sound old. Sorry.