The S Word

It's really happening. (My New Year's Resolution). Last night, at ten till midnight, we all went around the table declaring our resolutions, and as soon as I said mine out loud I was filled with an uncomfortable emotional cocktail of dread, anxiety, and that agita you get when you know there's a good chance you might epically fail at something.

I explained to the other guests at the dinner party (several of whom I was meeting for the first time) that saying "sorry" is my addiction. My crutch. The thing that I like least about myself because I'm pretty sure it makes me seem not confident. I say "sorry" to strangers, to friends, to family, and I say it when I have absolutely nothing to apologize for. It's a reflex. It's incredibly annoying. And I've been doing it for decades.

Everyone basically agreed that there would be no way I'd be able to stop cold turkey — clearly, I'm going to fuck up. In fact, I already have. I wandered into my BFF's kitchen this morning and, without even thinking about it, apologized for not helping clean up more after the dinner because Ethan and I were so tired when the ball dropped that we rushed to the guest room to climb in bed by 12:07. I caught myself halfway through the sentence, cursed the the world and myself, and then came to the realization that breaking this habit is going to take at least a couple of weeks — if not months — of training myself, and trying to do better next time.

I should probably come up with a reward/punishment system for myself. Every time I say the S Word (which I hope is NEVER, but I have to be realistic here), I should have to do something unpleasant like drink kale juice or go camping.*

I'm quite serious about this goal, though it feels ridiculously daunting because it's not just a WORD I say — it's a loaded, tricky, slippery little compulsion, and there's going to be a big ole hole left when it's gone.

Happy New Year! What is YOUR resolution?

*Two things I do not like.